Open Letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

You don’t know us, Simon, but we are Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid collectively known as the Lewes Posse. You are an hero to us down here in The Tally Ho! on the south coast of England, although sadly, not Big Sid who passed away on Saturday and never knew his one big love, Cheryl Cole, made it to number one.

We have taken the big bold step of writing to you because we have heard that you will leave Britain if John and Edward win. You, like us, are outraged by John and Edward. The success of those two talentless twerps in a honest, decent, talent show is beyond belief. You, like us, are appalled that ordinary people can be taken in by utter rubbish. What a disgrace! Rest assured that we too will leave this once great island together if, heaven forbid, they actually win.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, Simon. Take heart! We too are all appalled at how few of those so-called acts can actually sing or dance. Like you, Simon, we too are able to see through fakery, confront deluded fools, and puncture inflated egotists. Take Bill Oddie for one. How often are we all called upon to bravely lance the boil of those upstarts who cannot hold down a decent tune and who try to deceive us by pulling the wool over our eyes? With your good judgment, and honest manly forthright opinions, together we can change Britain for the good. We are all agreed that with you in charge, Simon, Britain can once again be truly called great. So please don’t leave, Simon. I know you have business interests abroad. I too have business interests in Spain and the Costa del Sol, but like me, your roots are here and believe me you have great support here in The Tally Ho!

We would go as far as to say we are one hundred per cent behind Her Majesty in finding room for a great man like you in the New Years Honours list. And it is with great honour that I can hereby announce that your efforts have not gone completely unnoticed, and you have at least been made a freeman of The Tally Ho! here in Lewes. We all look forward to seeing you here soon although please be aware that in November we have the men in to do the drains while it's quiet before Christmas.

Your truly
Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid (RIP)

Alien Abduction in Upper East Side

After five nights in New York, I'm disoriented and my body clock is messed up but it was well worth it. NY was very inspiring. I had a hundred ideas for years of work. I’d never been to the US before. Caroline wanted to go, but I didn’t. From a UK writer’s point of view, I’m very glad I went. The effect was extraordinary. Getting out of JFK airport felt like the great weight of the UK’s resentful class system was lifted away, and suddenly everything and anything was possible. It’s no surprise that my writing credits have either been in my home town of Manchester, or the US.

I like New Yorkers. They have empathy, they’re realistic, pessimistic, funny, ironic, polite, sympathetic, direct, open and encouraging, Stop to take a photo and others stop to approve, and to see what you’re doing. NY is the place where you don’t get people trying to take you into care for being yourself. This photo of road works in East 64th typified my week. I passed a chaotic scene where workmen were lifting these huge lids off New York to let the steam out. But when I nipped back to take a photograph, there wasn't a workman in sight.

Lolspeak and Lolcatz

I met a man who worked for the OED last Saturday, and told him about the "esoteric in-joke" language Lolspeak, and its cartoon-like manifestation Lolcatz. He was very excited, but he was really just fixated on the idea of discovering a new language as though he was some kind of valiant frontiersman making forays into the world of ordinary folk. He didn't seem to get the joke and expressed a fashionable disregard for the apostrophe. He probably thinks Lolspeak celebrates the inept, and of course he was terrified of appearing elitist.

A very laid back Canadian company I once worked for actively encouraged expression in office clothing. A lot of people saw this as an opportunity to express that they were beach bums by choosing to wear t-shirts and torn denims. Big mistake. The company wanted to see people choose to be smart. It’s the same with the apostrophe. I don't like people saying, "It's the "grocer’s apostrophe". There's a lot about the British class system in that. If you choose to misuse them, you are in danger of being grouped with people who can’t use them. In reality, this never happens because people can misuse apostrophe in a not-posh way, and that's called Lolspeak.

Against Objectification of Women

I listened to Radio 4 Woman's Hour this morning and heard Eleanor James talking about feminism and Britney amongst other things. So I added my name to the NUS statement against objectification in student unions @http://www.officeronline.co.uk/women/276617.aspx.

Steve Dearden

I've been trawling the Internet for work by the writers in the Brace Anthology (Comma Press). My motive is to see whether Comma Press look like they'd be sympathetic to my style without actually buying the anthology. I was pleased to discover that Steve Dearden gives a great sample of his work, the opening of his story Clare Counting in Brace. Would Comma Press be interested in the things I write? How should I know?

I fouled up my Friday afternoon submission, addressing the covering letter to the person who replied last time. The guidelines clearly said address it to all editors. Silly me. Anyway, I apologised to them profusely, and it looks as though they'll consider it. All contacts with anybody are an opportunity though, even when it's an embarrassed apology.

Another Effort Sails Out

I pinged a US sci-fi mag a few months ago and received a generous rejection, so I'm trying them again with a 1250 word story I wrote in spring. It failed once with another US mag, and I've done a great deal of work on it since. I have three more stories in the wings which I'll be sending to the US before returning to the novel.

I constantly search for equivalent UK magazines, but never find anything. I Googled some writers in Brace, a 2008 UK anthology published by Comma Press, but never found a single example of their work published anywhere online.

Maybe I should Google harder and for longer. If I was an anthologised English writer, I'd be promoting my writing through my web pages. Maybe English writers think the web is beneath them. Anyway, Charlotte Allan, Juliet Bates, Annie Clarkson, Adam Connors, Steve Dearden, Paul de Havilland, Tyler Keevil, Richard Knight, Jacqueline McCarrick, Neil McQuillian, Chris Killen, Heather Richardson, David Rose, Guy Russell, and Guy Ware. Where is your work online?

Rejected by Expanded Horizons

Rejected by Expanded Horizons after I queried, but I never received the original email.

Wished me the best of luck with my writing though, and then declined my Expanded Horizons Live Journal community membership request.