Poetry Day ireland
6 years ago
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Monday, 1 March 2010
Rooney Strike Hits Blind Boy Who Sees Again
Chief Sports Writer, John Dildo - True to form, Wayne Rooney’s stunning 30-yard header in the tenth minute of time added-on sealed Manchester United's triumphal victory over Aston Villa in Sunday’s league cup final.
But it was more than just an ordinary net-ripper by the greatest living scouser because the ball struck lifelong red Damian Nobble, (2) blind since birth, who was in his mother’s arms behind the goal. Damian’s mother Chantelle was amazed when Damian announced he could see for the first time in his life.
“I was gobsmackerooneyed,” said Chantelle (14). “It was a rooning miracle,” she went on and on. “Comparisons between Wayne Rooney, Christiano Ronaldo and Christ are completely justified.”
Wayne Rooney is close to discovering a cure for cancer and is hoping to be fit for the World Cup.
As news of the miracle goal reached the Vatican, the Pope described it as one of the finest moments in the history of the western world and said that Rooney was a really good bloke.
Sections of the ball struck by the great Rooon, a Nike Total 90 Aerow II Hi-Vis ball with six-Wing carbon latex bladder sponsored by Durex, will be available from the Manchester United shop for distribution to missions in Africa.
But it was more than just an ordinary net-ripper by the greatest living scouser because the ball struck lifelong red Damian Nobble, (2) blind since birth, who was in his mother’s arms behind the goal. Damian’s mother Chantelle was amazed when Damian announced he could see for the first time in his life.
“I was gobsmackerooneyed,” said Chantelle (14). “It was a rooning miracle,” she went on and on. “Comparisons between Wayne Rooney, Christiano Ronaldo and Christ are completely justified.”
Wayne Rooney is close to discovering a cure for cancer and is hoping to be fit for the World Cup.
As news of the miracle goal reached the Vatican, the Pope described it as one of the finest moments in the history of the western world and said that Rooney was a really good bloke.
Sections of the ball struck by the great Rooon, a Nike Total 90 Aerow II Hi-Vis ball with six-Wing carbon latex bladder sponsored by Durex, will be available from the Manchester United shop for distribution to missions in Africa.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Britain to Recall Billions of Crap Cars
By Ray Flatulent
The reputation of the dead British motor industry took another hammering yesterday with the recall of billions of crap cars manufactured in the UK before they became part of China's Nanjing Automobile company in 2005. Models affected are the Morris Ital, Marina, Austin Allegro, Maxi and Princess.
The move comes after a series of rose-tinted sentimental journeys into the past revealed incompetent British management and woeful under-investment battered the standing of the world's oldest car maker.
Britain’s worldwide problems have caused much hand-wringing and consternation. The British transport minister yesterday blamed everyone else especially the EU for reacting too slowly to the unfolding crisis by several decades.
Read more@http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1249160/Toyota-Prius-recall-8-500-British-cars-recalled-braking-fears.html?ITO=1490#ixzz0f8Nw0rmm
The reputation of the dead British motor industry took another hammering yesterday with the recall of billions of crap cars manufactured in the UK before they became part of China's Nanjing Automobile company in 2005. Models affected are the Morris Ital, Marina, Austin Allegro, Maxi and Princess.
The move comes after a series of rose-tinted sentimental journeys into the past revealed incompetent British management and woeful under-investment battered the standing of the world's oldest car maker.
Britain’s worldwide problems have caused much hand-wringing and consternation. The British transport minister yesterday blamed everyone else especially the EU for reacting too slowly to the unfolding crisis by several decades.
Read more@http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1249160/Toyota-Prius-recall-8-500-British-cars-recalled-braking-fears.html?ITO=1490#ixzz0f8Nw0rmm
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Open Letter to Simon Cowell
Dear Simon,
You don’t know us, Simon, but we are Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid collectively known as the Lewes Posse. You are an hero to us down here in The Tally Ho! on the south coast of England, although sadly, not Big Sid who passed away on Saturday and never knew his one big love, Cheryl Cole, made it to number one.
We have taken the big bold step of writing to you because we have heard that you will leave Britain if John and Edward win. You, like us, are outraged by John and Edward. The success of those two talentless twerps in a honest, decent, talent show is beyond belief. You, like us, are appalled that ordinary people can be taken in by utter rubbish. What a disgrace! Rest assured that we too will leave this once great island together if, heaven forbid, they actually win.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, Simon. Take heart! We too are all appalled at how few of those so-called acts can actually sing or dance. Like you, Simon, we too are able to see through fakery, confront deluded fools, and puncture inflated egotists. Take Bill Oddie for one. How often are we all called upon to bravely lance the boil of those upstarts who cannot hold down a decent tune and who try to deceive us by pulling the wool over our eyes? With your good judgment, and honest manly forthright opinions, together we can change Britain for the good. We are all agreed that with you in charge, Simon, Britain can once again be truly called great. So please don’t leave, Simon. I know you have business interests abroad. I too have business interests in Spain and the Costa del Sol, but like me, your roots are here and believe me you have great support here in The Tally Ho!
We would go as far as to say we are one hundred per cent behind Her Majesty in finding room for a great man like you in the New Years Honours list. And it is with great honour that I can hereby announce that your efforts have not gone completely unnoticed, and you have at least been made a freeman of The Tally Ho! here in Lewes. We all look forward to seeing you here soon although please be aware that in November we have the men in to do the drains while it's quiet before Christmas.
Your truly
Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid (RIP)
You don’t know us, Simon, but we are Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid collectively known as the Lewes Posse. You are an hero to us down here in The Tally Ho! on the south coast of England, although sadly, not Big Sid who passed away on Saturday and never knew his one big love, Cheryl Cole, made it to number one.
We have taken the big bold step of writing to you because we have heard that you will leave Britain if John and Edward win. You, like us, are outraged by John and Edward. The success of those two talentless twerps in a honest, decent, talent show is beyond belief. You, like us, are appalled that ordinary people can be taken in by utter rubbish. What a disgrace! Rest assured that we too will leave this once great island together if, heaven forbid, they actually win.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, Simon. Take heart! We too are all appalled at how few of those so-called acts can actually sing or dance. Like you, Simon, we too are able to see through fakery, confront deluded fools, and puncture inflated egotists. Take Bill Oddie for one. How often are we all called upon to bravely lance the boil of those upstarts who cannot hold down a decent tune and who try to deceive us by pulling the wool over our eyes? With your good judgment, and honest manly forthright opinions, together we can change Britain for the good. We are all agreed that with you in charge, Simon, Britain can once again be truly called great. So please don’t leave, Simon. I know you have business interests abroad. I too have business interests in Spain and the Costa del Sol, but like me, your roots are here and believe me you have great support here in The Tally Ho!
We would go as far as to say we are one hundred per cent behind Her Majesty in finding room for a great man like you in the New Years Honours list. And it is with great honour that I can hereby announce that your efforts have not gone completely unnoticed, and you have at least been made a freeman of The Tally Ho! here in Lewes. We all look forward to seeing you here soon although please be aware that in November we have the men in to do the drains while it's quiet before Christmas.
Your truly
Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid (RIP)
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