Rooney Strike Hits Blind Boy Who Sees Again

Chief Sports Writer, John Dildo - True to form, Wayne Rooney’s stunning 30-yard header in the tenth minute of time added-on sealed Manchester United's triumphal victory over Aston Villa in Sunday’s league cup final.

But it was more than just an ordinary net-ripper by the greatest living scouser because the ball struck lifelong red Damian Nobble, (2) blind since birth, who was in his mother’s arms behind the goal. Damian’s mother Chantelle was amazed when Damian announced he could see for the first time in his life.

“I was gobsmackerooneyed,” said Chantelle (14). “It was a rooning miracle,” she went on and on. “Comparisons between Wayne Rooney, Christiano Ronaldo and Christ are completely justified.”

Wayne Rooney is close to discovering a cure for cancer and is hoping to be fit for the World Cup.

As news of the miracle goal reached the Vatican, the Pope described it as one of the finest moments in the history of the western world and said that Rooney was a really good bloke.

Sections of the ball struck by the great Rooon, a Nike Total 90 Aerow II Hi-Vis ball with six-Wing carbon latex bladder sponsored by Durex, will be available from the Manchester United shop for distribution to missions in Africa.

Britain to Recall Billions of Crap Cars

By Ray Flatulent

The reputation of the dead British motor industry took another hammering yesterday with the recall of billions of crap cars manufactured in the UK before they became part of China's Nanjing Automobile company in 2005. Models affected are the Morris Ital, Marina, Austin Allegro, Maxi and Princess.

The move comes after a series of rose-tinted sentimental journeys into the past revealed incompetent British management and woeful under-investment battered the standing of the world's oldest car maker.

Britain’s worldwide problems have caused much hand-wringing and consternation. The British transport minister yesterday blamed everyone else especially the EU for reacting too slowly to the unfolding crisis by several decades.

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