You don’t know us, Simon, but we are Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid collectively known as the Lewes Posse. You are an hero to us down here in The Tally Ho! on the south coast of England, although sadly, not Big Sid who passed away on Saturday and never knew his one big love, Cheryl Cole, made it to number one.
We have taken the big bold step of writing to you because we have heard that you will leave Britain if John and Edward win. You, like us, are outraged by John and Edward. The success of those two talentless twerps in a honest, decent, talent show is beyond belief. You, like us, are appalled that ordinary people can be taken in by utter rubbish. What a disgrace! Rest assured that we too will leave this once great island together if, heaven forbid, they actually win.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, Simon. Take heart! We too are all appalled at how few of those so-called acts can actually sing or dance. Like you, Simon, we too are able to see through fakery, confront deluded fools, and puncture inflated egotists. Take Bill Oddie for one. How often are we all called upon to bravely lance the boil of those upstarts who cannot hold down a decent tune and who try to deceive us by pulling the wool over our eyes? With your good judgment, and honest manly forthright opinions, together we can change Britain for the good. We are all agreed that with you in charge, Simon, Britain can once again be truly called great. So please don’t leave, Simon. I know you have business interests abroad. I too have business interests in Spain and the Costa del Sol, but like me, your roots are here and believe me you have great support here in The Tally Ho!
We would go as far as to say we are one hundred per cent behind Her Majesty in finding room for a great man like you in the New Years Honours list. And it is with great honour that I can hereby announce that your efforts have not gone completely unnoticed, and you have at least been made a freeman of The Tally Ho! here in Lewes. We all look forward to seeing you here soon although please be aware that in November we have the men in to do the drains while it's quiet before Christmas.
Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid (RIP)