If men had babies would there be wars?

Anish Kapoor's retrospective at the RA, which closes today, is making the news headlines because of its success, but I thought a load of red candle wax fired out of a canon didn't have the "emotional resonance" advertised. How could it? Kapoor's red was Christmas candle red and matched the RA shop's Christmas gift ideas. However, what do I know? The exhibition was jam-packed when I visited, with a lot of people going cor-wow.

For some emotional engagement, next door there is Wild Things, an exhibition of truly obsessed sculpting geniuses, Gill, Gaudier-Brzeska and Epstein. The show closes with the truly terrifying overpowering Rock Drill by Sir Jacob Epstein (1880 - 1959).

"...the astounding modern reconstruction of Epstein’s terrifying masterpiece Rock Drill of 1913-15, at once the first representation of a robot in art, and one of the first times a found object (a real rock drill) had been incorporated unchanged into any work of art. Those who first saw the statue were shocked by what looked to them like a big, aggressive phallic symbol. But as the Great War took its toll, it became impossible to see the towering mechanical creature as anything other than a symbol of death itself in an industrialised form. For now the robot and his tool looked like a machine gunner indiscriminately mowing down anything that crosses his path."

Look carefully at the torso, and you can see it appears to contain an unborn child.

Morrissey's Life Writing

I was in Tate Modern St Ives a few weeks ago and discovered some unpublished life writing by Morrissey tucked away in the book that accompanies the exhibition The Dark Monarch, Magic and Modernity in British Art. I thought it was pretty good. It's called The Bleak Moor Lies. Supposedly from his forthcoming autobiography.

I put it up on the Morrissey forums, and someone posted the whole story contravening copyright. I don't know why it's not published yet. Maybe a/ publishers won't pay Morrissey enough, or b/ publishers wanted the story of his bust ups/drugs to compete with Jordan/Ant and Dec, not really his kind of thing. Anyway, Saddleworth Moor is where Hindley and Brady hid their victims, and I think Morrissey's ghostly encounter is pretty well done.

Open Letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

You don’t know us, Simon, but we are Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid collectively known as the Lewes Posse. You are an hero to us down here in The Tally Ho! on the south coast of England, although sadly, not Big Sid who passed away on Saturday and never knew his one big love, Cheryl Cole, made it to number one.

We have taken the big bold step of writing to you because we have heard that you will leave Britain if John and Edward win. You, like us, are outraged by John and Edward. The success of those two talentless twerps in a honest, decent, talent show is beyond belief. You, like us, are appalled that ordinary people can be taken in by utter rubbish. What a disgrace! Rest assured that we too will leave this once great island together if, heaven forbid, they actually win.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, Simon. Take heart! We too are all appalled at how few of those so-called acts can actually sing or dance. Like you, Simon, we too are able to see through fakery, confront deluded fools, and puncture inflated egotists. Take Bill Oddie for one. How often are we all called upon to bravely lance the boil of those upstarts who cannot hold down a decent tune and who try to deceive us by pulling the wool over our eyes? With your good judgment, and honest manly forthright opinions, together we can change Britain for the good. We are all agreed that with you in charge, Simon, Britain can once again be truly called great. So please don’t leave, Simon. I know you have business interests abroad. I too have business interests in Spain and the Costa del Sol, but like me, your roots are here and believe me you have great support here in The Tally Ho!

We would go as far as to say we are one hundred per cent behind Her Majesty in finding room for a great man like you in the New Years Honours list. And it is with great honour that I can hereby announce that your efforts have not gone completely unnoticed, and you have at least been made a freeman of The Tally Ho! here in Lewes. We all look forward to seeing you here soon although please be aware that in November we have the men in to do the drains while it's quiet before Christmas.

Your truly
Big Alf, Big Arthur, Big Wilf and Big Sid (RIP)

Alien Abduction in Upper East Side

After five nights in New York, I'm disoriented and my body clock is messed up but it was well worth it. NY was very inspiring. I had a hundred ideas for years of work. I’d never been to the US before. Caroline wanted to go, but I didn’t. From a UK writer’s point of view, I’m very glad I went. The effect was extraordinary. Getting out of JFK airport felt like the great weight of the UK’s resentful class system was lifted away, and suddenly everything and anything was possible. It’s no surprise that my writing credits have either been in my home town of Manchester, or the US.

I like New Yorkers. They have empathy, they’re realistic, pessimistic, funny, ironic, polite, sympathetic, direct, open and encouraging, Stop to take a photo and others stop to approve, and to see what you’re doing. NY is the place where you don’t get people trying to take you into care for being yourself. This photo of road works in East 64th typified my week. I passed a chaotic scene where workmen were lifting these huge lids off New York to let the steam out. But when I nipped back to take a photograph, there wasn't a workman in sight.

Lolspeak and Lolcatz

I met a man who worked for the OED last Saturday, and told him about the "esoteric in-joke" language Lolspeak, and its cartoon-like manifestation Lolcatz. He was very excited, but he was really just fixated on the idea of discovering a new language as though he was some kind of valiant frontiersman making forays into the world of ordinary folk. He didn't seem to get the joke and expressed a fashionable disregard for the apostrophe. He probably thinks Lolspeak celebrates the inept, and of course he was terrified of appearing elitist.

A very laid back Canadian company I once worked for actively encouraged expression in office clothing. A lot of people saw this as an opportunity to express that they were beach bums by choosing to wear t-shirts and torn denims. Big mistake. The company wanted to see people choose to be smart. It’s the same with the apostrophe. I don't like people saying, "It's the "grocer’s apostrophe". There's a lot about the British class system in that. If you choose to misuse them, you are in danger of being grouped with people who can’t use them. In reality, this never happens because people can misuse apostrophe in a not-posh way, and that's called Lolspeak.

Against Objectification of Women

I listened to Radio 4 Woman's Hour this morning and heard Eleanor James talking about feminism and Britney amongst other things. So I added my name to the NUS statement against objectification in student unions @http://www.officeronline.co.uk/women/276617.aspx.

Steve Dearden

I've been trawling the Internet for work by the writers in the Brace Anthology (Comma Press). My motive is to see whether Comma Press look like they'd be sympathetic to my style without actually buying the anthology. I was pleased to discover that Steve Dearden gives a great sample of his work, the opening of his story Clare Counting in Brace. Would Comma Press be interested in the things I write? How should I know?

I fouled up my Friday afternoon submission, addressing the covering letter to the person who replied last time. The guidelines clearly said address it to all editors. Silly me. Anyway, I apologised to them profusely, and it looks as though they'll consider it. All contacts with anybody are an opportunity though, even when it's an embarrassed apology.